Genuflecting At The Altar Of Kyoto

In the beginning, there was the earth and it was good. It had green forests, sparkling water and blue skies. The air was clean and the land teemed with creatures big and small.

But then, man learned to harness the power of fire, to make alloys and modify his environment. He cut down the trees, dug up the earth and burned coal. (Can you hear the soundtrack?) He laid the land barren and the blue skies turned dark from the smoke of the burning rainforest and factories burning coal. Prophets, also called environmentalists, decried the destruction and went to the ends of the earth spreading their message. A time would come, they said, when man would be struck down for his destruction of the earth. They would be visited by plagues such as asthma, smog, droughts and the end of the earth. We must save the rainforest, they preached, for they clean the air we breathe and make rain. Other prophets rent their clothing over the pollution created by the digging of the earth for greed. Standing at the pulpit of public opinion, they spoke to all who would listen about the destruction of man brought on by his own avarice.

But God saw what was happening and sent a saviour whose name is Kyoto. This saviour started to spread the word called global warming. Many laughed and called him a false prophet but his apostles continued to spread the word. Slowly, the earlier prophets began to see the light and gave up their false gods of saving the rainforest and riding bicycles as they prostrated themselves at the feet of Kyoto, who was pleased. But, he still had a problem. For although Kyoto had converted the prophets, he still had to get the word to the people. Then one day, out of the wilderness, came a new apostle, a man of renown, who had once worshipped the god of power but who, after seeing a vision of hanging chads, had given up all to follow Kyoto.

The apostle Al Gore strode forth among the people and, putting forth his PowerPoint for all to see, they were in awe of his wisdom. He spoke the message of global warming, now known as climate change, as the savages who had previously believed in the plague of pollution, willingly bowed down to the one true god, Kyoto.

And it was good.

The apostles of Kyoto strode forth into the world and brought new converts to their cause. There was the apostle Jack, who put forth the message, with his concubine Olivia, from a bicycle. And the apostle David, who renounced the false gods he had worshipped known as pollution, smog and wilderness destruction, and embarked on a campaign to convert the rulers of the northern tribe known as Canada. As they went forth, they performed miracles for as the message of Kyoto was accepted, smog disappeared, the rainforest was resurrected and all wildlife was restored. No more would the world suffer from such plagues as animals roaming the Arctic, as the Mastodons had done thousands of years ago. The missionaries told how humankind would be saved from the natural effects of the earth’s heating and cooling, as the god Kyoto had decreed the last thirty years would be called Normal. All other temperatures were an aberration and must be driven from the face of the earth.

False prophets who dared to challenge the one true god were smote with the mighty PowerPoint. Clad in their pagan trappings of old-fashioned research, the shamans of the false gods - such as climate scientist Roger Pielke Sr. of the University of Colorado in Boulder - were shunned by the believers. His writings were struck from the media. His heretical teachings that “there are several climate forcings, in addition to the burning of fossil fuels, that are the main drivers behind global warming” were only spoken in whispers as they gathered in fear of the true god.

The ancient texts of the pagan priests were read with amusement. How naïve, the people thought. Pity those who believe such things as University of East Anglia’s study that showed during the years 1998-2005, the global average temperature did not increase. How could the savages cling to the belief that a period of similar warming occurred between 1918 and 1940, well prior to the greatest phase of world industrialisation and the cooling that occurred between 1940 and 1965? How could these people still worship the idols of false science that said the Arctic Ocean was 74 degrees Fahrenheit 55 million years ago or that there have been over 600 rapid increases and decreases in temperature in the last million years? The heathens even believed in astrology, for who, other than savages, would put any faith in the science that showed both the moon and Mars had also warmed during the same period.

So, as the unbelievers huddled in their basement temples at universities and research institutes the world over, the mighty Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change gave the people a new bible and sent forth its priests to interpret it for the uneducated masses. Wielding it as a sword, they struck down the heretics who preached against the true god and shunned them as radicals. They proclaimed the righteousness of their preaching, for they had reviewed their own work and pronounced it as right.

And so, as they went forth, the people breathed a sigh of relief, for all was good. All pollution except CO₂ had been banished from the world and man was in control of the climate. Decrees such as the Clean Air Act, which would ban smog-creating emissions, need not exist, declared the prophets. We need only repent and ban greenhouse gas and the world would never warm, or cool, again.

And it was good.